wah wah wah
if i have a baby who will be the baby
i’m pregnant. actually, i’m very pregnant.
my friend from last summer, Paris, confessed in a short voicemail i listened to a few weeks ago. i texted her, “OH my god!!! YOU and ERIC are going to be the BEST PARENTS!” then, she sent over her baby shower invite. it’s upstate.1 i would love to go upstate, but i’ll most likely be filming. or pitching. or sending a powerpoint to someone. or taking a clown class. of course, i’m over the moon for her. she’s swell- like truly, good old-fashioned swell. a funny, kind, healthy motherfucker. last summer, i remember watching her de-string green beans from the farmers market while laughing in a way that shook the worry right off of me like a flapping rug shakes dust.2 she had twinkling eyes. really, she did. it made me realize i had never met someone with actually twinkling eyes. (okay, we get it, enough gay stuff.)
i’m 30 something. i’m not gonna say what the something is. i’ve decided to embrace ageism and hate myself a little more each year. two days ago, i sat across from a baby with my face3 as she stared at me, smiling ear to ear with a pizza crust brandished high over her head. “PIZZA!” i squealed. she giggled and kicked her porky little feet. she’s perfect, because she’s my 8 month old niece, Collins Copple. a Leo. and i’m a Libra. we’re VERY compatible as aunt and niece. i can’t wait to take her to musicals.
having a baby in the family has been a huge relief. difficult conversations with my parents are over. there’s a new topic now: BABY. and what a baby. she’s tender, gentle and maybe even strawberry blonde. she has fat little cheeks and a sweet little smile. we’re all in love. she hasn’t disappointed anyone in her entire life.
i guess i set out to write about motherhood or parenthood or getting knocked up. i have all the markers to be considering this. i count them on my fingers sometimes. a sweet boy who loves me, a healthy bank account with enough money to get the good drugs for pushing out a baby, a prozac prescription, a job. i just…………………….still don’t know if i ever want it. and the ambivalence is driving me a little nuts. i think maybe i missed the boat. when you’re younger you don’t realllllly understand what you could be missing out on when you have a kid. you just do it, and make it work. but now that i’m 30 something, i think about going to iceland and slow mornings with my espresso machine and marble coasters. i suppose things were so much easier when i was on the christian track. having kids is just what you do. it’s pretty much all you do. i could have been happily miserable AFTER the decision was made. now, i’m in a sinner’s purgatory. considering what i want rather than what god wants. and that bitch famously loves knocking ppl up. i’ve never really wanted to be pregnant, except for like once a month when i’m luteal and want cam to cradle me from behind and rub my belly and whisper to it and dream. the whole “can you believe what my body can do” has never really appealed to me. #1 i’m non binary, so i’m not really that guy when it comes to the divine feminine tbh and #2 i don’t want to see what it can do, because i don’t want to push it. i have a feeling im the type to snap in half. yeah, i said SNAP in HALF. i always joke that i should have died in childbirth by now, but somewhere in my bones i feel it’s actually a real possibility. i give up all of the time. whose to say i wouldn’t give up mid push? plus, i’m not really strong enough or even willing enough to go through the pain and sacrifice of motherhood. i only want to sacrifice for the things that bring me glory. like eating so much cheeseburger, more cheeseburger than anyone else before. or making a fucking movie.
if i’m being honest with myself, the real problem is that i want to be the baby. i want to be the baby!!!! i want to be the baby. i want to get sooo much sleep and eat exactly when i want and get tucked in and have my whole life left. why should i have to give it all up so a stranger can have a turn? i don’t want to be a side character in my own existence. people love moms because they suffer SILENTLY. it’s grotesque. and i couldn’t do it. i would be such a LOUD sufferer. and no one wants that. it’s really annoying.
the only pros i can think of are seeing cam become a parent, reading books aloud in bed together, and maybe taking family tap dancing lessons. but the cons are always in the back of my mind. pinworms. lice. mostly pinworms and lice. children are riddled with parasites.
anyways, i have so much time to make a decision. minutes, even.
do people say upstate about california?
do you like this metaphor or can you tell i havent been reading books
should i sue?
ok i so relate. the 'i give up all the time' made me lol.
this is so tragically relatable to me, another person who loves my friends’ kids and also sometimes wishes i had just started the parenting thing before i thought about it too much!!!!